Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard

Current Music: The Spill Canvas - Aim Snap Fall

I think i would feel a little less insane if i could just stop FUCKING rocking back and forth.

*rubs temples*

I can't be in this fucking house with these fucking people and their constant questions and asking and the watching and there is no fucking telling when it is going to stop.

I have NO ONE to fucking turn to right now. I have NOTHING to be here for. I'm taking my FUCKING medication. I'm eating fine mom, thank you oh so fucking much. I don't give a shit what i look like, i'm losing weight you should be happy since i won't be such a fat ass much longer.

GOD just leave me the FUCK alone you stupid fucking people. I want some peace and fucking quiet or i want to be talking to people WHO ARE NOT YOU.

I wish i had something or someone or anyone to pull me out of this place and take me somewhere, it doesn't matter where, a place where none of this shit matters. I can let go, have a smoke, ignore the phone and just enjoy being still. I can't sit still in this place. Always something, somewhere, to do. I liked it when things were simple and i could just watch tv at Dells until morning and then fall asleep and it was okay. Or talk to Akim all night, only waking up in the morning when he pulls the cover over my head, whispering for me to be quiet for a minute. There weren't expectations. I was who i was and that was okay.

Now it seems like all anyone wants to do is change me. I should be more confident. I should say what i mean. I should stop lying or telling the truth so much. I shouldn't feel that way. I should do this. I can't change who i am, nor would i want to. Yes, i do things that are bad for me. I spend all my money on other people, i suppress my own feelings to make others more comfortable. I don't know that i could change my faults without altering something fairly important to who i am. I change in little ways, sure. It's called growing up.

Everyone is in constant flux but my "friends" only seem to have problems with these overarching problems. These are people who i accept for all their faults. Hell, i can't even think of them as faults but simply characteristics. I love(d) Morgan and Akim, despite all their faults. Two completely different people but both battling some inner issues that i can't even touch with my issues. To think, both pitied my state of mind. *snerk*.

I fear a little bit for Dell or Rich or more people who i've yet to meet; I'm afraid of them discovering how messed up i am. I know that most people aren't like me when it comes to accepting faults. I'm a bit of an oddity that way.

Dell, most of all, won't be able to handle just letting me be who i am. He will see it as his job to inform me of my issues and them find a way to fix them. I kinda respect the way he can unflinchingly tell people these things. It is audacity in its least self-serving form. Teh huevos, you know?

It comes down to the fact that i do not like anyone telling me to do or not do anything. I make my own decisions.

It'd be nice to have someone to talk to along the way though.