I'm scared to do, say, wear, be the things I want.
I think they are only for thin, fit, beautiful people. I do nothing and cry. Quietly.
I'm scared of being seen caring about or doing something and having it labeled as bad or funny because I'm fat.
It's paralyzing.
I'm frequently worried that someone is looking at me and taking pictures or pointing me out to make fun of. But if I express that I'm scared of this, the most frequent advice is to either not care or to lose weight. Because it's my fault for existing the way I do and I need to change.
I just want to feel safe existing. I don't.
To be perfectly honest, this shelter in place has been almost pleasant because I don't have to be seen. I'm so scared of having to go back out there.
Friday, May 29, 2020
Friday, January 10, 2020
Gnats
Current Music: Say Anything - An Orgy of Critics
It seems like no matter how good things seem to start going for me, there is always something that has to go wrong, like it wouldn't be right for things to be just fine for me. Its not like everything is bad, or even mostly bad. I feel bad. I feel awful for feeling bad. I have anxiety over feeling awful and I'm scared of my anxiety because it always spirals but maybe that fear is a part of why is spirals.
Wouldn't it be crazy to just take things as they go wrong as just a small bump on an otherwise smooth road? Because it seems like my life is an otherwise smooth road. Nothing is particularly wrong other than potholes and rumble strips that could be avoided if I wasn't driving an absolute piece of shit.
I am the piece of shit, clearly.
I have nothing better to do than complain about how things can keep going. oh. so. wrong for me. But they aren't. Whats the good news!?
I married der Mann. He's super.
We have a dog. She's hilarious and just so filled with anxieties and quirk and I sometimes feel bad for her because I imagine her head is almost as noisy as mine but in the high pitched tone that only dogs can hear.
My life is stable, I do not need to work if I do not want to. And, therein lies the issue. I got laid off. Why does that bother me so much? I loved the job, I was good at it and I enjoyed the people and even, wow, the work itself. I found myself not wanting to move on, I was happy and felt myself there. There was all this unexpected change, a new CEO, new directors, a new direction, pivots and restructuring and I really hoped that. . . well, I didn't hope anything. I didn't even consider the idea that would be let go until the day before it happened when the meeting with an unusual guest list was added to my calendar; I'd never seen a meeting that had the word mandatory on it there before. Not here. So there was a mandatory meeting and it was a "team update" but only some of the team was invited. You already know what that meant but if you didn't, you would, if you know what I mean. I was cut.
Like I said, I don't need to work. Der Mann says it's fine. I've been housewife for this last week and he's happy to have clean clothes, clean house, tea hot, meals served and its not even the weekend. He wants me to be happy. But I was. Was. I liked my stressful job with its constant travel and ever changing expectations and its politics and crazy young coworkers who pushed me to party and stay up late and take shots and feel hungover for the first time since I was 20. I was good at getting the job done and getting people to work together with me and pitch in, make the clients happy. Why do I care so much?
Because I was cut. I feel rejected. I was the only person of my position let go, I was the longest person with the company let go besides the CEO. Oh, yeah, the CEO stepped down and then the new CEO laid him off. That should soften the blow. I loved my job and I'm the only person with my job who lost it and that feels so weird. I can't help but think it was about me and not just numbers. My brain keeps telling me it was personal somehow, that I loved my job but my job was worse than indifferent about it. My job actually didn't like me, in an active and malicious way. The people who wanted me there no longer wanted me there, thought that I was no good.
I have this good life and a good husband and a cool dog who sorta gets along with my old ferret. But I have nothing to wake up for. Is that fucked? It feels fucked. It feels like i'm not appreciating these good things that i have. I don't want to wake up just to do the dishes. I don't want my good husband to wake up and realize he hates that I am spending his money and existing on his dime. Contributions not monetary not accepted. I only know of people who want from me. Love in my life has meant providing and I'm not maternal. I provide work and money and things. I cannot provide those things without a job. I know what it's like to feel well paid for work I am excited about. How can I just go back to doing shit work for shit pay again? Will I ever be hired for something I enjoy as much again? Was my impostors syndrome actually me being an impostor??
Have i done anything worth being hired? Is my value so tied up in work? I wouldn't have thought so but here I am equating all of my humanly value to a job title. How can I be a Lead again? I felt so lucky to have been accepted and it was ultimately not meant to be.
I have this great life. This family is crazy good and, for three months it felt so so good. I had the job and the man and the home life. And the money was cool. Three years at this job really got me used to bringing in a livable wage. And combining my livable wage with my husbands normal ass life wage felt like fucking rich as shit to me. Three months. My boss was at my wedding. Not because I felt like I had to invite her either, because I actually thought of her as a friend and she hasn't said a word to me since this happened. So that's cool. So cool. I'm cool with it.
How to kill pests in my garden. That's all I need to know.
It seems like no matter how good things seem to start going for me, there is always something that has to go wrong, like it wouldn't be right for things to be just fine for me. Its not like everything is bad, or even mostly bad. I feel bad. I feel awful for feeling bad. I have anxiety over feeling awful and I'm scared of my anxiety because it always spirals but maybe that fear is a part of why is spirals.
Wouldn't it be crazy to just take things as they go wrong as just a small bump on an otherwise smooth road? Because it seems like my life is an otherwise smooth road. Nothing is particularly wrong other than potholes and rumble strips that could be avoided if I wasn't driving an absolute piece of shit.
I am the piece of shit, clearly.
I have nothing better to do than complain about how things can keep going. oh. so. wrong for me. But they aren't. Whats the good news!?
I married der Mann. He's super.
We have a dog. She's hilarious and just so filled with anxieties and quirk and I sometimes feel bad for her because I imagine her head is almost as noisy as mine but in the high pitched tone that only dogs can hear.
My life is stable, I do not need to work if I do not want to. And, therein lies the issue. I got laid off. Why does that bother me so much? I loved the job, I was good at it and I enjoyed the people and even, wow, the work itself. I found myself not wanting to move on, I was happy and felt myself there. There was all this unexpected change, a new CEO, new directors, a new direction, pivots and restructuring and I really hoped that. . . well, I didn't hope anything. I didn't even consider the idea that would be let go until the day before it happened when the meeting with an unusual guest list was added to my calendar; I'd never seen a meeting that had the word mandatory on it there before. Not here. So there was a mandatory meeting and it was a "team update" but only some of the team was invited. You already know what that meant but if you didn't, you would, if you know what I mean. I was cut.
Like I said, I don't need to work. Der Mann says it's fine. I've been housewife for this last week and he's happy to have clean clothes, clean house, tea hot, meals served and its not even the weekend. He wants me to be happy. But I was. Was. I liked my stressful job with its constant travel and ever changing expectations and its politics and crazy young coworkers who pushed me to party and stay up late and take shots and feel hungover for the first time since I was 20. I was good at getting the job done and getting people to work together with me and pitch in, make the clients happy. Why do I care so much?
Because I was cut. I feel rejected. I was the only person of my position let go, I was the longest person with the company let go besides the CEO. Oh, yeah, the CEO stepped down and then the new CEO laid him off. That should soften the blow. I loved my job and I'm the only person with my job who lost it and that feels so weird. I can't help but think it was about me and not just numbers. My brain keeps telling me it was personal somehow, that I loved my job but my job was worse than indifferent about it. My job actually didn't like me, in an active and malicious way. The people who wanted me there no longer wanted me there, thought that I was no good.
I have this good life and a good husband and a cool dog who sorta gets along with my old ferret. But I have nothing to wake up for. Is that fucked? It feels fucked. It feels like i'm not appreciating these good things that i have. I don't want to wake up just to do the dishes. I don't want my good husband to wake up and realize he hates that I am spending his money and existing on his dime. Contributions not monetary not accepted. I only know of people who want from me. Love in my life has meant providing and I'm not maternal. I provide work and money and things. I cannot provide those things without a job. I know what it's like to feel well paid for work I am excited about. How can I just go back to doing shit work for shit pay again? Will I ever be hired for something I enjoy as much again? Was my impostors syndrome actually me being an impostor??
Have i done anything worth being hired? Is my value so tied up in work? I wouldn't have thought so but here I am equating all of my humanly value to a job title. How can I be a Lead again? I felt so lucky to have been accepted and it was ultimately not meant to be.
I have this great life. This family is crazy good and, for three months it felt so so good. I had the job and the man and the home life. And the money was cool. Three years at this job really got me used to bringing in a livable wage. And combining my livable wage with my husbands normal ass life wage felt like fucking rich as shit to me. Three months. My boss was at my wedding. Not because I felt like I had to invite her either, because I actually thought of her as a friend and she hasn't said a word to me since this happened. So that's cool. So cool. I'm cool with it.
How to kill pests in my garden. That's all I need to know.
Monday, August 06, 2018
Arguably pointed
I used to be so very into music and now I'm just doing the same few artists over and over again, the occasional introduction of a new (to me) song only making the repetition feel even more blatant.
I'm not particularly well right now. Not for any real reason. I've gotten engaged, oddly enough. It's the right thing with the right person and they respect and love and care for me in an impassioned and honest way. it's a good love.
But the dread is there. Cold sweats. pain in my eyes, the tunnel vision, the dizziness, and, mostly, the crying. there is this thing where i feel like I've made a connection with a person, and it feels good. I open up and i am given positive feedback. I'm told to be honest. I warn and make sure that these people know i am weak, I am damaged and i am unable to give back what i receive sometimes. That I am, by and large, a good friend with large swathes of bad.
It would be so much easier if they let me know, right then, that it won't be worth it for them to continue the friendship. The guilt. The backtalk. The pain of hurting someone and the pain of being intentionally hurt in return.
I don't have it in me to keep up when i'm cloudy. My minimum isn't enough for just me. much less me and others.
I've come back and i'm prepared to make up for the time, but it was too much time past. I think. It must be. It feels like it.
I miss my friends who understood. who knew my patterns, expected and forgave them.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Happily concerned
Are my moods really so completely dependent on having a romantic partner?
I've asked myself this so many times.
Fuck it. I'm happy. This Dean guy seems like good news.
10 months in and he hasn't disappointed me yet.
I've asked myself this so many times.
Fuck it. I'm happy. This Dean guy seems like good news.
10 months in and he hasn't disappointed me yet.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Around the edges
I see shadows wherever I'm not looking. They are thickets in corners and blinding during depression.
Now I look directly into the corners.
I remember for a while it was much like a vignette on my normal vision.
Night would become confusing and the sun set so much sooner for me than anyone else.
I found out that this was not all that uncommon and that my beautiful, personal, sad lighting was shared with thousands of others.
Now I look directly into the corners.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Wednesday, June 03, 2015
Feedback
Current Music: Cream - White Room
Today was beautiful. Sitting out in the park at lunch with my co-workers, playing frisbee and kubb. I drank beers in the sunshine and laughed nigh constantly. Spring in Madison is really special, either through its own merit or because it's such a relief from the snow.
I didn't even worry about my barking laugh or looking like an idiot chasing down a frisbee. One of the quietest developers in my office gave me a high five.
My cheeks are burning from smiling.
It's not the close, lifelong, deep friendships I've been accustomed to. It's new, fresh and exciting. Shallow as well. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things. Everything is very different for me out here and I'm adjusting. I enjoy so much of what's happening but. . .
It's impossible to not draw comparisons between what now feels like two very different lives. I'm not even used to living alone and that fact startles me on its own.
Today was beautiful. Sitting out in the park at lunch with my co-workers, playing frisbee and kubb. I drank beers in the sunshine and laughed nigh constantly. Spring in Madison is really special, either through its own merit or because it's such a relief from the snow.
I didn't even worry about my barking laugh or looking like an idiot chasing down a frisbee. One of the quietest developers in my office gave me a high five.
My cheeks are burning from smiling.
It's not the close, lifelong, deep friendships I've been accustomed to. It's new, fresh and exciting. Shallow as well. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things. Everything is very different for me out here and I'm adjusting. I enjoy so much of what's happening but. . .
It's impossible to not draw comparisons between what now feels like two very different lives. I'm not even used to living alone and that fact startles me on its own.